SIPPING VODKA

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous

he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the

monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied,

'When I am worried about getting

nervous on the pulpit, I put

a glass of vodka next to the water glass..

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got

nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass,

he found the following note on the door:

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1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

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2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

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3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

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4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

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5. Jacob wagered his donkey,

he did not bet his ass.

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6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

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7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

are not referred to as

Daddy, Junior and the spook.

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8. David slew Goliath; he did

not kick the shit out of him.

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9. When David was hit by a rock and

was knocked off his donkey, don't

say he was stoned off his ass.

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10. We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

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11. When Jesus broke the bread

at the last supper he said,

'Take this and eat it for it is my body.'

He did not say 'Eat me'.

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12. The Virgin Mary is not called

'Mary with the Cherry'.

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13. The recommended grace before

a meal is not:

Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

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14. Next Sunday there will be a

taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's

not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.